zerosuitsalmon

She's beautiful.

I don't know how long it will be before you see this, but the date of writing is May 3, 2013.

I realized today that I do, in fact, have a type. I previously thought that I didn't, but it turns out I do.
And that type is you.

I saw a picture earlier (while scrolling down my Tumblr dash) and immediately thought wow, that's really hot. Then I realized that she reminded me of you. She had the hair, the tattoos I know you want, the style, and was in a setting that I can imagine you being in. The picture just generally reminded me of you.

Now it gets mushy. Sorry.

I am honestly more attracted to you than I am to anyone else. More attracted than I think I have been to anyone ever. You are gorgeous and perfect. I think about you constantly. I don't think you know just how much I feel for you. How much I want you here with me and how much I want to be with you all the time. I could spend hours just looking at you. I could spend hours exploring every inch of your body. Your perfect curves, soft edges.

I want to kiss your neck and jaw and put my hand in your hair. I want to caress your skin. Your perfect skin that is so soft and smooth to the touch. I want to look into your eyes and see all of the thought and emotion and wonder and love they hold, and I want them to look back into mine and see the same.

I want to kiss your lips. Bite them. I want to tug at your ears with my teeth, and I want you to return the favor. I want to feel you against me in the heat of the moment, both of us pure electricity. I want to soar together, borne by passion and a need to express ourselves as both individuals and as a whole. I want you to wrap around me and hold me tight.

I want to lay with you snuggled close, talking about nothing and everything. I want to hold you close as we drift off together to that starry sea of dreams. I want to wake to the sound of your gentle breathing and kiss your forehead gently so as not to wake you.

Yeah, it's cliche and silly, but that's what I think about.

Some things that you try for are things that require trying, like learning another language or playing an instrument. But other things shouldn't need trying. And when you start trying for them, they get harder. Those things are things that should naturally fall into place, because once you begin trying for them you're suddenly not trying for the thing you think you're trying for. Only when you stop trying and just let be do these things work out. And they may not work out the way you wanted or thought you wanted them to, but you eventually realize that they work out the way you needed them to.

If you are not one of two people, this message is not for you. If you are one of those two people, you know who you are and you should read this journal.

To the first: I am truly sorry for what an ass I've been. I don't mean to ignore you but I do a lot of the time. I tell myself, "I'm busy; I'll reply later." And then I don't. I realize that I should, because you mean more than that to me. I don't show it, but you do. You're one of my closer friends, but I'm always caught up in my own little world of self-pity and pointless emotion and I don't notice anything past my blinders. So if you'll accept this apology, please message me again, and I promise I'll reply as soon as I get it.

To the second: Yes, I realize that I have been childish. I realize I have been immature. I have tried to put on yet another mask in front of you, when what you really want to see is my face. I'm so convinced that I'm this great person when I'm really not. Thank you for pointing that out to me. It made me feel better, and I can only hope the same for you. Yes, you inspire me. Yes, I see you as a role model and someone to look up to. But that doesn't give me the right to try to steal you from you. I am not you. I am no one but me, and you've helped me to realize that. I want to change from this fake person into the me I really am. And, as helpful as it would be, I can't have you poking me in the side constantly, saying, "Hey, focus. You're doing it again." I need to figure it out on my own. So I'm not asking you to do that. But I do like it when you speak your mind. It helps me to understand.

To the both of you: I love both of you very much. You're both very, very good friends of mine and I would trade either of you for the world. Not for all of the anime and manga I could want, or even for the Marshall Lee fangirls. So don't let me be a jerk to you. I have tendencies to get in a mood and do that. Don't let it happen.

Aaaaaaaaand I think that's it.

"We accept the love we think we deserve."
~The Perks of Being a Wallflower

It's sad, but true.

Don't you ever accept the love you think you deserve. I don't care who you are, you get out there and be yourself and stop giving a fuck. Because you deserve way better than you think you do. You deserve to love yourself. Don't ever settle for anything less than the best.

You are worth it. You are worth the world and more. And don't you fucking forget it.

You're worth more than him. You're worth more than her. And they don't matter.

Love yourself. Let others love you. And always be real.

And if you're having trouble with that, know that I love you. I might not even know you, but I love you. Because you are you. You are beautiful and you are marvelous. You can appreciate this world. That's something to be proud of.

So don't accept the love you think you deserve. Accept no shit from anyone. Love and let love. And you will be fucking amazing.